I have hated my body my entire life. Except for a very brief period during my pregnancy where I felt right, I have throughly loathed every aspect of it. Face, arms, hips, thighs and even fingers.
My darling said something today and made me realize that I am not comfortable in my body, my body does not feel complete, it does not feel in balance with what I see in my mind.
I am missing pieces.
Although I know it is not all about appearances, that there are some of these missing pieces that are on the inside, I just know if this…process I guess you could call it starts to progress on the outside that it will start to happen on the inside as well.
I miss working with plants. More than anything, I just want to go back to doing what I am good at.
You know what makes my days and nights worth “dealing with”? Now I use that term in the form of when I am lonely, when I feel sad etc. Is when I can put my hand on my stomach and our little guy wakes up and starts rumbling around. When he pushes up against my hand. When he responds to me talking to him. Or when I put things on his “house”.
When I can sit here feeling him move around. Punching. Kicking. Butt bumping me in the ribs. When he comes out to join us and I finally get to see those beautiful eyes looking up at me. Tiny little ears, nose and mouth. I can not wait for the day when he wraps his little hand around my finger, when he looks at me like I am his whole world or when he cracks that first little smile. The love of my life is bubbling and jumping around like his strong rockstar daddy. Just waiting happily to come out to us.
I love you Te-jay, I can not wait to spend the rest of my life with you.
Technically speaking, I have been holding and carrying this entire time but I am getting so anxious to see your perfect self. Your tiny hands, your little toes, those beautiful eyes looking up at me. I know you need more time to grow but I hope you know that you have an entire world and family filled with love waiting to meet you. :)